


1-800 Cupid

by maddy_does (favefangirl)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Getting Together, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Anxiety, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, No beta: we die like men, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, goodboylupin's RS Candy Hearts Challenge, the not-so mortifying ordeal of being known
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29445315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/favefangirl/pseuds/maddy_does
Summary: When Remus hired Sirius to pretend to be his boyfriend so he could aggravate his homophobic parents, falling for him hadn't been part of the plan.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 95
Collections: The Candy Hearts Challenge





	1-800 Cupid

**Author's Note:**

> for [@goodboylupin's](https://goodboylupin.tumblr.com/) candy hearts prompts. this is very last minute, but i hope you like it anyway, and i can't wait to read through everyone else's submissions <3

Lily was still laughing. Remus had tried glaring, huffing, and taking long-suffering drinks from his bottle of beer, and the traitor was still laughing. He shot her another unimpressed look as she wiped the tears from her eyes, and coughed to clear her throat. She shook her head and giggled a little more as she reached for her own bottle, and took three long swigs before she managed to compose herself properly.

“Done?” Remus asked, tetchily.

“I’m sorry,” Lily said, looking anything but apologetic with a wide, bright grin on her face. “But you’ve fallen in love with the punk-rock boyfriend for hire you employed to piss off your parents?” Remus closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. “You can’t honestly tell me that’s not the most absurd thing in the world.”

Deep down Remus knew she was right. Honestly, the whole situation was a complete farce. Hiring some guy he found on Twitter to pretend to be his boyfriend when his big-c Conservative parents took his coming out catastrophically bad, getting to know said guy over a series of ‘dates’ as he really rubbed his parents noses in his queerness, and then (and, Lord help him, this was the real kicker) finding that he’d only gone and fallen in love with him for real.

Sirius had advertised himself as an ‘all-purpose punk’. It was a catchy tag-line, Remus had to give him that. He offered flexible services to generally show up in the kind of places his aesthetic dramatically clashed with to upset the kinds of shallow people who inhabited said places, aggravating them with just his mere existence. He was a professional, and that was exactly what Remus was looking for.

When Sirius had first shown up at his parent’s suburban dream-house in worn combat boots, a spiked leather jackets, and dark circles of eyeliner around his eyes, Remus had been satisfied he was getting his money’s worth. He was even more pleased with himself when they’d entered the house, and his mother had been so shocked to see him she’d dropped their best tea pot, spilling the tea all over their cream carpet and snapping off its spout. His father’s jaw had remained tense all night, Remus had noticed with a severe gleam of satisfaction, and had nearly exploded when Sirius had referred to Margaret Thatcher as a ‘saucy little minx in a pretty little skirt’.

One date hadn’t been enough, though. Remus’ parents were nothing if not persistent, and had requested to meet Sirius a second time, to really get to know him. This was a slight problem, as it meant that  _ Remus  _ had to really get to know him, too. They’d messaged for a week in advance, sharing random factoids about themselves until they were both plenty satisfied they could pass for lovers. Remus felt their body language had perhaps been a little stiff when they’d arrived at the restaurant - Remus wasn’t at all surprised they’d not been asked back to the house - but his parents didn’t seem to notice.

Sirius was funny, was the main problem. He had an acerbic tongue which matched Remus’ own sarcastic sense of humour perfectly. Sirius understood his teasing, and was able to give as good as he got. He had Remus snorting into his pint glass, and his parents crossing themselves, with his witty retorts. 

Or, maybe the main problem was that he was kind. Getting to know Sirius over DM, he’d learned about Sirius’ voluntary work with at-risk youths, they way he looked after his younger brother when they’d run away from home, and there was something gut-wrenching in the way he talked about his best friend. They were careful not to let this softer side show in front of Remus’ parents, but he’d seen it in their private conversations, and felt an inevitable pull towards it.

Or, actually, the main problem was probably that from the moment they’d first met in person, Remus had been struck by how hot Sirius was. The eyeliner, and the tattoos, and the sleek hair Remus wanted to run his hands through every time he looked at it - it made his breath catch and his blood run white hot. Sirius had a cool smile, one side titled upwards and a glean in his eye, that set Remus on edge in all the best ways. If he let himself, he could fantasise about deep red lips, and long slender fingers, and legs for days clad in black denim.

They’d spoken a lot online to try and make the façade work, and had even met for coffee on a couple of conversations so they could talk in person. One evening, Sirius had even suggested they have dinner at his, just the two of them, to work on the body language. It had been the longest night of Remus’ night as he’d forced himself to let Sirius touch him in all the ways he was already beginning to crave, without letting it mean anything. The next time they’d gone out with Remus’ parents, Remus had spent the night on Sirius’ knee with an arm wrapped around his waist - he still couldn’t decide if the stress of not getting overexcited had been worth the priceless look on his mother’s face.

But none of it was real. The conversations late into the evening, the teasing over coffee in the afternoon, the holding hands whenever they walked anywhere with his parents - it was all pretend, and that crushed Remus. Falling for Sirius had been an accident, that went without saying. He wasn’t sure quite where along the way his fascination and superficial attraction had developed into something that lived deep in his chest and had his heart racing every time he thought of Sirius. 

“So, what are you going to do?” Lily asked. She’d managed to calm herself by this point, but there was still a teasing gleam in her eye that set Remus’ teeth on edge.

Remus shrugged and took a long drink of his beer. “Well,” he began after a long pause, “We’ve got one more date tonight before my parents fly back to Spain, so I guess we finish the contract and go our separate ways.”

“Rem,” Lily admonished, slapping his thigh dramatically.

“What?” He replied, defensively.

She raised her eyebrows at him. “You’re just going to walk away? Just like that?”

Remus huffed and pressed himself off the sofa to throw his now empty bottle in the recycling. “What else am I meant to do? It’s not like any of this was ever real.”

“It sounds real,” Lily called from the other room. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this way about anyone before.” Remus caught sight of himself in his window, and saw the despondent look on his own face at the prospect of never seeing Sirius again. “If it’s all over tomorrow anyway, why not just tell him how you feel?”

Objectively, it wasn’t an unreasonable suggestion. It made the most sense to just tell him, like ripping off a plaster. If he thought he was some kind of idiotic creep who he never wanted to see again, well they were at the end of their contract anyway. What difference would it make? Perhaps Remus’ reluctance was because he didn’t want it to be over at all. Whether Sirius returned his feelings or not, they were never going to be seeing each other again after this evening. His parents were aptly horrified, enough they were moving countries three weeks earlier than they’d planned just to get away. Sirius’ services were complete, and Remus really couldn’t fault his performance.

At the end of their date this evening, Sirius would be walking away, and that sat uneasy on Remus’ chest. He already missed him. He missed sending him terrible memes that came across his Instagram feed that reminded him of some joke Sirius had made. He missed waking up to texts Sirius had sent, rambling about some show, or movie, or friend at 3 am. He missed the excitement before getting to see him again, the thrum of butterflies in his stomach as he made himself look presentable. He missed him before he was even gone.

He was the first to reach the restaurant that night, and fiddled with the sleeves of his jumper as he waited for his parents and Sirius to arrive. He shivered a little against the cold, regretting not bringing a jacket as the temperature had dropped suddenly. He checked his phone at intervals, even though he knew he was at least fifteen minutes early (he had a thing about not being late which some might call  _ anxiety  _ but he called  _ punctuality _ ). 

He received a text notification and checked it immediately. From Lily,  _ Tell him!  _ Followed by three aubergine emojis, and a peach. Remus clenched his jaw and was about to reply when someone tapped him on the shoulder. He looked up and saw Sirius next to him, giving him one of his perfect lop-sided grins. He was wearing his classic combat boots and leather jacket combination, with a worn, faded black jumper underneath. He’d elected to wear a pair of bright yellow and black checked trousers, with a chain hanging from his belt loop. He had his hair tied back in a bun, so the sword earring and skull studs were all the more prominent in his ear. He’d even done an intricate eye make-up look, using dark eyeshadow that contrasted his pale complexion. Remus’ mouth went dry at the sight.

“You’re early,” was all he managed.

Sirius’ grin softened a little. “I knew you would be,” was his only explanation.

Remus managed a nod, and checked the time on his phone again, remembering to close the messages app. “My parent’s will probably be, like, fifteen minutes,” Remus observed. They always were around ten minutes late. He shivered again and put his phone away. When he looked up, Sirius was frowning at him. “What?” Remus asked, feeling scrutinized under his stare.

“Are you cold?” Sirius replied.

Remus shrugged and pulled a face. “I’ll be fine. It’s only fifteen minutes.”

“No,” Sirius protested, already shrugging off his jacket. “Here--”

“No, you’ll be cold--”

“Just--”

“Sirius--”

In the end it was no good, and Sirius had the jacket (and, briefly, his arms) wrapped around Remus’ shoulders. It was incredibly warm, and smelled of Sirius’ cologne. Remus could tell he was bright red, and hoped the yellow washed street lighting would be enough to hide the blush. Sirius paused to looked at him a moment, mouth parted, before he pressed his lips together and looked away. Remus looked at the floor, a little ashamed at his own feelings bubbling in his chest cavity, before pulling the jacket on properly.

“Thank you,” he mumbled, and turned to face the opposite way up the street to watch for his parents.

They stood like that in complete silence for what felt like an age. Things hadn’t been so awkward between them in weeks, not since the first date where they’d been total strangers. Remus tried not to get choked up by the face that in a few hours, they would be going back to strangers again, but had to swallow down hard around a lump in his throat more than once. 

It felt crazy to him that he was in love already. They’d known each other a matter of weeks, but still Remus felt it, deep down in his heart. Sirius was often the last thing he thought about before he went to sleep, and the first thing to cross his mind when he woke up again. He’d been in love before, and this was that same fizzy, uncomfortable, electric feeling he’d felt every other time. He’d just never fallen quite so hard, quite so quickly.

“How are you?” Remus finally asked, just for an excuse to break the silence.

Sirius’ head jerked up, almost surprised Remus was still there. His eyes trailed to where the jacket was sat properly on Remus’ arms, and his jaw clenched. “I’m good,” he said. “You?”

Remus nodded and hummed. “Yeah. Good.”

And that was the end of that. Sirius went back to looking one way up the street, watching a flashing sign across the road, whilst Remus starred intermittently between the back of Sirius’ head and his own scuffed brogues. It had never felt like this before, like he couldn’t even make small talk to pass the time. His vocal chords were frozen, and he couldn’t think of a thing to say that wasn’t either stupid, or a love confession - not that there was much of a difference.

Remus tried to think of other things, instead. He had an assignment due at work in a few days, Lily had invited him to a recital she was organising, one of his favourite local bands was going to be playing a small gig the next city over that he was contemplating attending. None of it quietened the omnipresence of Sirius on his mind. He felt his presence beside him despite the space between them, and he couldn’t stop thinking about the ways his rings looked on his fingers, or the strand of hair that was hanging by his ear, or the comforting scent of his jacket on Remus’ shoulders.

Just when he felt himself going mad with the thought of it all, Sirius announced, “Parents, incoming.”

Remus looked up the street, and sure enough his parents were walking down to meet them. Their faces were set hard, looking more like they were going to war than to dinner with their son. Remus took and deep breath to prepare himself. Just because he enjoyed rubbing this in their faces, didn’t mean it was fun sitting and having them judge him purely for being who he was. It was gratifying to see them uncomfortable, but deep down he wished they could just love him anyway, regardless of who he sought to share his bed with.

He was shaken from his thoughts at the feel of Sirius taking his hand. “Okay?” he asked, gently.

Remus exhaled and nodded, squeezing Sirius’ hand for good measure. Sirius regarded him for a moment, squinting slightly. He looked up the street to where Remus’ parents were getting ever closer, then shifted so he was stood directly in front of Remus. Before Remus even knew what was happening, Sirius was kissing him, moving his hands to cup Remus’ jaw and tilt his head just so. 

It was an immediate shock - they’d never done _this_ before - but Remus quickly got with the programme and began to kiss him back. He wrapped his arms around Sirius’ shoulders to pull him in closer, and began to kiss him back properly. It was a dirty kiss. Sirius’ tongue licked into Remus’ mouth every time their lips shifted, and he’d pulled them so close together that Remus was sure he could feel Sirius’ heart beating in his chest. Or maybe that was his own, he couldn’t tell because his mind had gone entirely blank.

Remus wasn’t sure how long they kissed for. It could have been seconds or decades, he couldn’t tell, but they were forced to pull apart by the sound of someone clearing their throat beside them. After Sirius had pulled away, it took a second more for Remus to open his eyes and see his parents stood by, lips pressed into thin lines, and something sharp in their eyes. Remus smiled sheepishly, but there was nothing sheepish about the way Sirius threw an arm around Remus’ shoulder and grinned at them both. There was a blush high on his cheeks, and his lips were puffy and red - Remus wondered if he looked just as debauched.

“Good evening, Mr and Mrs Lupin,” Sirius greeted, though his voice sounded deeper than usual. “Shall we go in?”

Sirius had suggested a high-end French restaurant to eat at, one his own parents used to frequent, and which he knew would mortify Remus’ parents to be seen inside with him. It was a stroke of genius, really. They were shown to a dimly lit table in the corner by a waiter who was perhaps the only person in this situation who looked more uncomfortable than Remus’ mother. She was gripping her husband’s arm tightly and trying to smile through the pain so as to not draw even more attention to themselves.

Sirius, ever the gentleman, was good enough to pull out the chair for Remus. He winked at him, before sitting in his own seat, and Remus had to busy himself taking off Sirius’ jacket so that he didn’t spontaneously combust at the action. Sirius sat beside him, and the waiter smiled at him tightly as he distributed menus and told them all about the specials. It was all in French, so Remus couldn't understand a word, but he nodded politely anyway.

Remus opened his menu and was unsurprised to find that all in French, too. He sucked in his cheeks as he scanned for anything that looked vaguely like something from his French GCSE, and grew increasingly nervous when he couldn’t. He felt Sirius kick him gently under the table, and looked up a little too quickly to see what he wanted. There must have been something on his face which told of the panic he felt about finding something to eat, because Sirius reached out and squeezed one of his hands encouragingly.

“Get the flamiche,” Sirius said, leaning over to point it out on Remus’ menu. He looked up, and their faces were inches apart. Remus could have sworn Sirius’ gaze flicked to his mouth, but it could have been a trick of the light. “You’ll like it,” he added, softly, before leaning away.

It was all Remus could do to nod. He folded his menu and looked over at where his parents were sharing horrified looks. Remus wasn’t sure if it was the inevitable desperation and want written all over his face every time he looked at Sirius which had them so appalled, or maybe it was the holes in Sirius’ jumper juxtaposed with the ornate gold candelabras, and the expensive rouge carpets.

The waiter came back and Sirius ordered for them all, because Remus was too sheepish to try, and his father’s pronunciation was impossible to decipher. They ended up with a rich red wine to go with the meals, which they were assured was a vintage (whatever that meant), and all the while they were being served, all eyes were on Sirius who looked less at home in this grand interior than a nun in a brothel.

Conversation was stilted as they waited for the food to come, exchanging the same pleasantries that they had at every other meeting before this. How was the traffic, how was work, this weather, eh? It was strange to hear Sirius talk about his day-job as an artist, given that he was technically  _ at work  _ even as he drank the wine and made excruciating small talk with Remus’ father about the golf. Remus knew Sirius hated golf.

The silence was less oppressive once the food arrived, because it gave them something else to do with their attentions. Remus was surprised when he took the first bite of the quiche-like meal Sirius had ordered for him. He looked at Sirius who just raised his eyebrows with a smug smile - he had been right, Remus did like it. He enjoyed the food as he ate, but eventually the meals were done and the plates cleared away, and they were forced to find something else to talk about.

“So,” Remus’ father said after an uncomfortable long silence, and Remus immediately tensed. “What is it that made you fall in love with our son?”

Remus nearly choked on his wine, and his face fell in a comic caricature of shock. For the first time since they’d met, Sirius looked genuinely ruffled. Remus could feel his heart pounding in his chest. To hear that word verbalized so casually, so matter-of-factly, felt insane. It felt too good to be true, because it was. He shot a desperate look at Sirius who caught it, and managed to force a casual, easy smile.

“Well,” Sirius began, and Remus couldn’t believe he was actually about to hear this - the pretend reasons for which his fake boyfriend who he was in real love with was claiming to love him back. “He’s obviously gorgeous,” Sirius said, tossing a wink at Remus like it was the most casual thing in the world. “And incredibly smart.” There was something slightly more sombre about his tone as he continued, “I feel like I can talk to him and be honest with him in a way I can’t with anyone else. I feel like he sees me, the real me, and understands who I am. I'd like to think I understood him, too.”

Remus inhaled softly, and tried desperately to blink back the tears that were springing to his eyes. Even his mother seemed to soften at the confession, looking at the two of them for the first time in a way that wasn’t tinged with disgust. Sirius tried to shrug like it was nothing, and promptly moved the conversation onwards to talk about a piece of art hanging in the room, and Remus’ father seemed to forget all about the question, but Remus couldn’t stop thinking about it. He didn’t know how he was ever meant to go back to normal after it was over now that he’d heard that.

The rest of the evening went much like any other. Sirius bickered with Remus’ father about who should pay, and Remus’ father always won out. They would make stilted small talk about how much they enjoyed the food, and how they really must do it again the next time they were all in England. The conversation would continue as they went outside to wait for Remus’ parents’ taxi, and his mother would kiss him lightly on the cheek before telling him to get home safe. Perhaps it was because they were flying in the morning, and so wouldn’t be seeing Remus again for what would likely be months, but his father even deigned to shake his hand before he got in the taxi and it sped off into the night. Remus sighed in relief as he watched it disappear, then pulled out his phone to call him and Sirius a taxi, as Sirius’ flat was on the way back to the house he shared with Lily. 

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable tonight,” Sirius said from beside him. He’d insisted Remus wore his jacket whilst they waited, but he didn’t seem cold. Even still, there was a slight tremor in his voice.

Remus waved him off, hoping to downplay his bizarre reaction as nothing. “It’s fine. You didn’t mean it.” As Remus opened his messages to see the confirmation from the taxi company, he spotted the excessive number of emojis from the last text he’d received from Lily. He quickly shoved his phone back in his pocket and smiled tightly at Sirius. “You were just doing your job.”

Sirius searched his face for a moment, before tentatively reaching out to take hold of one of Remus’ hands. “No,” he countered, “I wasn’t.”

Remus sucked in a sharp breath, but couldn’t tell if it was the rebuttal or the feel of Sirius’ warm fingers closing around his own that drew it out of him. “I don’t…” He shook his head, not even able to voice his confusion.

Sirius closed his eyes a moment and took a deep breath. “I know that I’m just here because you needed someone to piss off your parents with, but this is real for me.” He pulled a face and quickly shook his head. “No, what I mean is, it’s started to feel real. I--” He finally opened his eyes, and they were so soft and open, Remus felt himself leaning in despite himself. “I think I’ve fallen for you,” Sirius confessed, barely above a whisper, but Remus heard him perfectly in the quiet of the street. “And I don’t expect you to feel the same, but if we were never going to see each other again anyway, I figured you should probably know.”

Remus stared at him open mouthed for a long enough time that Sirius began pulling his hand away and stumbling over apologies about crossing the line. It was enough for Remus to come back to himself, and once he did, he leant up on his tip-toes, grabbed Sirius’ face, and pulled him in for a bruising kiss. It was desperate, and unpractised, and just a little too rough, but Remus struggled to find it in him to care. He wasn’t sure this wasn’t a dream, and if he was going to wake up, he wanted to make the most of it now.

But Sirius' soft lips on his didn’t feel like a dream, and neither did the warmth bleeding into his back from where Sirius had his hands pressing under his jacket to pull them closer together. The breathlessness felt as real as the feel of their noses crushing together at an uncomfortable angle, or the nip of the wind as it blew past his ears. He couldn’t help but hum into the kiss, and try to pull Sirius in impossibly closer despite it all.

Eventually they had to pull away to breathe, but Sirius stayed where he was, resting his forehead against Remus’. Remus managed to flick his eyes open long enough for see the grin spread across Sirius’ face, and the way his pupils were blown wide, before he had to close them again, overwhelmed. Sirius shifted his hands until his arms were wrapped more tightly around Remus’ waist, and he pressed brief kisses against the side of Remus’ cheek.

“I love you too,” Remus confessed, breathless, finally tucking the strand of hair behind Sirius' ear that had been bothering him all night. The hair was silky against his fingers, and Remus found himself momentarily distracted by it, before remembering where he was. “I can’t articulate it right now, like you did, I--”

“It’s okay,” Sirius assured between kisses. “I’m a patient man.”

Remus snorted at that, pulling away and looking him in the eye. “No you’re not,” he said with a shake of his head. 

Sirius just grinned back, and pressed another kiss to Remus’ lips. He pulled back long enough to say, “You look really hot in my clothes,” before deepening the kiss with the same tongue and desperate groping against Remus’ jumper as he had earlier.

“Hm,” Remus replied, barely pulling away. “You should see me out of them.”

Neither of them could withstand laughing at that, and as they kept kissing around their matching grins, Remus made a mental note to make Sirius take down his tweet. After all, he was far too good at his job.

**Author's Note:**

> i know the lupins are probably v ooc, but they needed to be for the premise to work.
> 
> anyway, if you wanna leave a comment or a kudos they're much appreciated! especially let me know if there's something you think i forgot to tag! 
> 
> i'm taking prompts! if you're interested please drop the prompt in the comments below. if you do send a prompt be prepared for me to take fifty years to fill it because uni is so hard, but i promise i'll try! come say hi on tumblr: [@maddy-does](https://maddy-does.tumblr.com/)
> 
> thanks for reading, have a wonderful existence.


End file.
